It's Just That Way

Each time that I return from a Branson, Missouri (Ozark Country) vacation, I reflect upon its landscape beauty, friendliness of locals, excellent show biz entertainment and good food; certainly add to my recall-list the reminder of how 'old people' can be a pain-in-the-ass! Be put-off if you wish by this statement but know damn square that I am seventy-three and I speak the truth!

This is not a new revelation; I got a good hint about 'pain-in-the-ass' oldsters when my Father owned a Steak House Restaurant for fourteen years. Old people are most likely to complain about an air-draft, food temperatures and portions. They want to combine the Senior Citizen discount coupon, the newspaper ad coupon while requesting the lunch-price menu with dinner-size servings at 6:00 P.M. These old people will 'take' anything they can get into a purse; all condiments, crackers, salt shakers, any centerpiece and the Cracker Barrel 'golf-tee' game. You can bet that some old fart will ask the waitress, "Does your fish taste fishy?" I use to beg the waitresses at Roustio's Sirloin Strip to say, 'No, our fish tastes like banana cream pie, dumb-ass!'

My wife and I were dinning at a Branson IHOP Restaurant and while waiting to be seated with perhaps a dozen others, a table of eight seniors approached the cashier with one receipt and requested the cashier to 'do the math' so the four couples could pay the dinner ticket on separate bills. As I watched this time consuming exercise, I thought how easy it would have been requesting this arrangement when they ordered their meals. Three couples did not return to their tables to leave a tip however, the fourth old turd-blossom handed the cashier a dollar bill on a $14.00 ticket saying, "Give this to the little waitress."

Finally, my wife and I were escorted to our table and when the waitress took our order, she did not write anything down. I commented that she must have a good memory to which she responded, "I'll remember what your ordered tomorrow and if you are like a group I just waited on, I'll remember the order and you forever. I wonder what group she had?

While waiting for our food, my wife began a conversation with the couple seated at the table next to ours; she always starts these conversations, I seldom do but eventually mix in a little vinegar to the honey-coated exchanges. As soon as the gentleman said that they were from Ohio, I commented that it was Ohio and not Florida that made we Americans wait for the Presidential election 'outcome-numbers.' The gent quickly retorted, "And the wrong guy won." Appreciating that my wife was cringing as she sank deeper into her booth-seat, I went easy on the old-boy telling him, "Well, perhaps if we live long enough, you'll pick a winner and I'll pick a loser!"