Hearing Voices

I read a few years ago that the State of New Mexico was attempting to develop a 'talking urinal deodorizing cake' to place in taverns and night clubs. Here is the theory: Men enter the restroom for that final pee after a night of drinking and a sensor in the that little 'pink cake' engages a speaking mechanism. A pre-recorded female voice asks the potentially inebriated party-boy if he should seek a driver. The voice even states that the man's future is 'in his hands;' no pun intended.

Although this is a noble attempt to address the drunken driving problem let me explain why it is Not a Good Idea. Many years ago when coaching, we had a school custodian who nipped-a-little booze while on the job. One morning between classes, I watched the custodian, Billy sweeping the gym floor and suddenly, he dropped his push-broom and jerked his hearing-aid from his ear and placed it to his mouth and began talking into the ear-piece. I immediately thought, this fella is either drunk or lost his mind. As I walked towards him to investigate his behavior, Billy ran from me and locked himself in a closet. After much coaxing, Billy opened the closet and came out. He was hysterical repeating over and over, "They're coming to get me...They're coming to get me." He also kept telling me that they were talking to him over his hearing aid. Evidently, he felt threatened by these imaginary voices. Can we now imagined a drunken fella in a New Mexico night club dealing with a voice coming from a 'urinal cake.'

I got Billy to the doctor's office because it was obvious to me he had DT's. The doctor told me to take Billy to a nearby drug detox hospital perhaps three blocks away.(Note: I was a graduate of Illinois State University where the motto is: "Gladly would he learn and gladly teach." At that moment, I wondered if 'gladly' was so broadly used that it included  caring for alcoholic school custodians?)

As I stepped into the hospital elevator, I turned to push the floor-button and when I turned back to face Billy, he was headed out the back door of the elevator; tackling him in the grass area next to the parking lot. H later told people that he never did 'like' me. The lesson here: People may need your help but they don't always appreciate the help; Help them ANYWAY!

My closing point is this: We have heard that drunks some times 'see' pink elephants and hear strange voices. Do we really want a drunk to deal with 'talking' urinal cakes? Furthermore, if talking urinal cakes were a good idea, Bill Gates would offer research monies for the best proposed idea, instead, Gates is offering big bucks for a 'better condom.'