Coming Clean

Back in the day, my Kentucky kinfolks would often say before passing along an innuendo or piece of juicy gossip, "I hear tell..." overtime we offsprings ain't lost our appetite to pass along unproven salacious stories. Why just  recently, 'I hear tell' a number of embellished fabrications... Since I have time on my hands, I can chase down these 'finger-lickin' good' stories and give y'all the 'true skinny.' Here we go...

I do not hate Republicans. I have, in the past, voted for a number of Republicans. Look, only a honest person wishing for cleansing through a public confession would admit voting for Richard Nixon.

It is true that I have accused my wife of reading the first two letters of a roadway sign and then 'making up whatever word pops into her head.' It explains why people get confused by her directions when she tells them to turn off I-55 at Marion onto Route 143. That sign reads: 'Marine.' Yes, I have lost my cool when she reads a road map and tells me to "Merge left onto I-66." Later when backtracking, I discover she meant Route 166. Thank you tech-folks for the GPS.

The rumor that I charged my own children for sport advice is false. I would never invoice my own kids for opinions about the grandkids sport play. It IS true that my family seldom takes my advice and mostly believe that I'm meddling. That's also true, I do meddle and I might add that when it comes to grandkids and politics, I make no apologies.

It is true that those who know me have correctly concluded that I am losing my hearing, sight, hair and tolerance.

It is also true that back in the year 1955, Grandpa E. V. Bennett asked me to 'fetch' a tool from his tool box in the trunk of his Mercury. When I brought the old carpenter the wrong tool he immediately took me back to the Mercury and dumped every tool on the ground. Made me pick each one up and memorize the name. I still don't know the purpose-use of half those tools. That's the truth.

Finally, years ago, I did spray the wrong insecticide on my wife's flower garden. It killed every flower. I found a box of dead crickets in the shed and spread them around the garden. I was fixin' to tell her that German-Beetles killed her flowers. We walked to the garden that morning and before I could speak, she said, "That stuff you sprayed on the garden that killed my flowers killed a lot of bugs, too."

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